Find of the YEAR!!!

The transcript to the entire recording of Eddie Izzard's Dressed to Kill video. My favourite bit below: (warning: may be offensive to some, but then you shouldn't be reading this blog anyway)

...we had the Pagans in Britain. You didn't really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and... we had the Pagans. They were into sex, death, and religion in an interesting night-time telly type of way. And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together; and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fuck a henge is! Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the projects.


But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area called Salisbury Plain in the South of England. The area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ( eerie chanting ), ‘cause that's good, you know. It's a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). No, there you build Trump Tower. But yeah, so they built it there. And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well! And they’re not from ‘round there, that's the amazing thing! Remember, this is B.C. ( mumbles). This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover, when everyone was going, “Is it A.D. yet?” ( mimes adjusting watch ) You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! “Oh, it’s A.D., isn’t it? Fucking ‘ell!” And the Muslim people going, "A.D? Who's he?" Yes. ( hearty laugh from audience member ) Good laugh there!

So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away, in Wales, so these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! That's a marvelous religion the Druids have got! Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go!" And they smashed out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on.


"All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go."

"Help you push 'em along? It's not far, is it?"


And the Druids going,


"Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well! You'll love it when you see it. I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special."


After 200 miles…


"You fucking bastards! You never told us 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age - I don't even know where I live now! ( sighs ) I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!"


And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going,


"No, that stone and this one - can we swap them around?"


So that was the Pagans.

And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece, conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, ‘cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos… You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ‘cause we have these crap gods, you know?"

Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and... There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn't there?


"I am the Emperor Fabulous!"

"Oh, yes, so you are."

"Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him… really interesting guy... “

So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church:


"Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, make her into jam. Eighth wife…” ( makes sound similar to putting babies on spikes )


And the Pope's going,


( Italian accent )"You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up… ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"


So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said:


( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic Bastard religion."


And an advisor said,

"Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"

"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I’m Scottish myself."


So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church, I mean, Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is!

The Protestant faith was different. That started probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, " 'ang on a minute!" But in German, so, "Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avec diese Religione." He was from everywhere. So yeah and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. "Oh, principles! Thank God! We've got some principles." Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. Now lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit…”